I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize