I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
