i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
