I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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