I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
