why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
