In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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