Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
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No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
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Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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