You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
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Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
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He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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