He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
