I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
