I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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