He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
