i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
