He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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