Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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