I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
