I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
