Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
