possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
