I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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