I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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