I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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