mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
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Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
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Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
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