I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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