If i could tip my vagina, i would.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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