I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
