I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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