You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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