Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
