someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
