Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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