We named our party play list daddy issues
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
