I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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