So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
