hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
