my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
