I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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