We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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