She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
