I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
