My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
