you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
