If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
