Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
