Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
