Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
