Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
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They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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