god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My dick has a subreddit
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
