Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
This is the high leading the old right now
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
