And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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