i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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