we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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