Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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